when life gives you lemons

such a weak cliche to describe our situation. but really, what else can we do but try our best to turn a bad situation into something better.

we certainly never expected it to turn out like this. it's been a week and a day since sweet Emerson Grace was born. in many ways, it seems like months and in other ways it seems like moments ago. if things had gone the way we expected, we would be home right now with our perfect baby girl. to think i was afraid of the lack of sleep, the crying all night, the diaper changes! wow, that all seems so insignificant at this point. what i wouldn't give to have it that way. but we don't. so we've had to adjust the way in which we view things. we likely won't ever have the baby we envisioned. but one thing i could have never anticipated was the overwhelming love we feel for this baby. it's just not something you can explain to someone who has never had a child. there is magic when you look into those eyes and an instant unconditional bond that can't be broken.

so yesterday was rough. we were coming to some of the realizations that our path had taken a different course and our lives would likely never be the same. we always knew having a child would change our lives forever, but never did we think it would be changed this drastically. of course, we don't totally know what the big picture is going to look like. it's still a waiting game. but to prepare ourselves, we must expect the worst and hope for the best. that said, after two rough days, today was another good day. we were told there were extreme ups and downs in the NICU and we've already learned this in the last week.

today, Emmy sneezed and coughed. this may not seem like a big deal for the average baby, but for our Emmy, it is. one of her big challenges right now is that she doesn't have some of the natural reflexes babies are typically born with because of the lack of oxygen she experienced at birth. specifically, she doesn't swallow and has a weak suck. and up until today, she didn't really gag or cough. this is why she is unable to nurse or suck from a bottle. she is fed through a feeding tube in her nose. so please pray for her to regain these very necessary reflexes so someday she can eat through her mouth.

she's also been being supplemented with oxygen, but for the most part, today she was staying oxygenated on her own. the oxygen tubes remain on just in case she should need them, but we look forward to them coming off for good.

today, i held her for hours while she slept soundly. adam held her too. i read her two books, while she looked on with eyes wide open. she seemed alert and listening. we also set up a CD player for her and she is now listening to lullabies courtesy of her dear father.

tomorrow is a big day. she will get a hearing screening and an MRI to determine what exactly is going on with her brain. and at 2 pm Adam and i have a conference with her doctors and neurologist to get a more complete picture of her prognosis. we've had many questions and gotten few answers while everyone waited to see what was going to happen. we feel she has made progress. we shall see what the doctors have to say. we are scared and hopeful at the same time.

until then, i leave you with these photos that my sister so artistically shot of all her various sweet little parts.

we had a wonderful day

can't believe it's already been four days since our little angel arrived. my how time flies. and the wonderful news is yesterday was finally a good day. tuesday was a rough one. emerson hadn't changed much from monday and still hadn't slept a wink since her arrival early saturday morning. that's a long time to be awake for such a tiny little body! the overwhelming exhaustion on top of everything she is fighting was just too much and she was extremely uncomfortable and fussy. we watched in agony as she struggled all day. finally, tuesday evening, she started to settle a bit and have moments of rest, but wasn't able to fully relax and zonk out. about 11 pm tuesday night, i went up to check on her and she was getting close to sleep. so i pulled up a chair, put my hand on her sweet head and worked my mommy magic. and she slowly drifted into a deep peaceful sleep. i sat like this for 45 minutes, scared to move a muscle in fear of waking her, but finally started to move my hand away. just as i did, she started to stir and open her eyes so i quickly put my hand right back and she didn't wake up. 15 minutes later, the nurse helped me replace my hand with a little cushion and she was none the wiser. knowing she was finally peaceful and sleeping, mommy snagged some much needed sleep myself. i checked on her all throughout the night and she continued to sleep, limp as a little noodle, with all of her vital signs remaining strong. all day yesterday was much of the same with her snoozing away, catching up with the long overdue sleep and allowing her little body to mend. it was glorious to see her so calm and peaceful throughout the day.

so we let her be and let her sleep despite my desire to pick her up and snuggle her to pieces. the doctors also confirmed she was moving in the right direction. with all this positive change, i was finally able to get my emotions in check a bit, rest, eat and get serious about pumping. and pump we did! we made progress, slowly evolving from mere drops of colostrum in the morning, to filling up syringe after syringe to deliver to the nurses. they are giving her tiny little drops to swish around in her mouth, but haven't fully started feeding it to her yet as she's still working on figuring out how to swallow and already has a whole lot of extra secretions to deal with constantly.

my mom, sister and the boys had spent the day at the long beach aquarium, but stopped by for a visiting that evening. kris was dying to see emmy, so we zoomed up before the nurse shift change when visiting hours are suspended for an hour. once again, she was sleeping soundly and kris snapped this picture.

last night around 7:30, adam and i went up to visit and received the most wonderful gift. the nurse asked if i wanted to hold her. i was reluctant to get her out of her bed as i didn't want to interrupt this marathon of healing rest. but she was stirring a bit, and i really did want to hold her, so we decided to give it a go. adam was with me and we had the sweetest little family moment. i rocked her and adam talked to her while she kept staring at his face listening intently. then i sang her a song. i couldn't think of one lullaby. . .guess i better freshen up on those. . .so i made one up just for her. and i think she liked it because she was soon fast, fast asleep. words can't express what a wonderful moment it is to first have your baby fall asleep in your arms. it was the greatest feeling in the world. so i stayed and rocked for hours. but it was soon evident that i desperately needed to pump again and that i was way overdo for my pain meds. so i reluctantly turned her back over to the nurse, but said i would be back. i returned at 1:30 am baring my bounty and she was awake and a little agitated. so pulled up a chair and helped calm her back down. i used my magic hand on forehead trick and she was soon jello again. when i returned at 4:30 am, she was still asleep, so i headed back down to catch a few z's myself. and that brings you up to speed.

i so wish i had a photo of her sound asleep in my arms. but i will always have a picture in my head with that beautiful moment. and now, i am off to do my mommy routine all over again today.

thank you to all of kris' (and my own) wonderful friends who have stopped by to show your support. you all are amazing and i appreciate all of your loving words and support. we are truly blessed to have so many people across the nation praying for us and i am humbled by the kindness and generosity. THANK YOU ALL!

serious love this valentine's day

Emerson Grace is here.  All 6 lbs, 7 oz and 20.5 inches of her.  She is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen with big blue eyes (so far) and a plush head full of hair.  But she needs your prayers.  She entered this world in traumatic fashion. . .went into distress during my long labor and had to come out via a "crash" c-section.  She swallowed meconium in the womb and came out without the capability of breathing on her own.  She also had the cord wrapped around her neck. . .loosely thank God.  It took her several minutes to come around and she needed a breathing machine for awhile.  She's breathing now, but it's a laborious thing for her to do.  She has pneumonia and the trauma of her birth has left her seriously shaken.  It'll be a long road of recovery.  She needs all the love and support possible to get her back to health.  I am in the hospital until Wed. recovering.  Miss Emmy will be in the NICU longer, but how long we are unsure at this time.  Daddy is putting the rock in rockstar and I can't imagine having anyone else by my side to go through this challenging time with.  He says and does all the right things.  So on this Valentine's Day, this sweet baby and my dear baby daddy really put the whole love thing into perspective.  I now know more love than I've ever known before.

1 day old

1 day old with a proud papa (she's not lookin too happy in the background)

2 days old

2 days old. . .so great to finally hold her!

and we're also feeling the love of my mom, sister and sweet nephews who arrived yesterday! so thankful they are here with us right now.

reminiscing

so one year ago yesterday, i wrote my very first blog post.  it's hard to believe it's been a year, and yet so much has happened. 

last year at this time, it was raining and i had a cold.  this year, it is sunny and i'm knocked up.  actually, i've been growing this baby for almost a year now!  so this blog has become my journal for all things pregnancy related. . .the ups and the downs. 

with only a little over a week until my due date, i can only imagine how this blog will change over the next few weeks as i embark on my first year of motherhood.  oh boy!  stay tuned for my wild ride!

and as we say goodbye to the last year and look forward to welcoming a new life, i can't help but think of the loss of our sweet blu dog.  we miss you, but your spirit remains firmly intact in our home.

sunshine and spring

counting down the days until my mother, sister and two youngest nephews come to visit!  they are trapped in a winter wonderland in kansas, so i hope our california sunshine and warm temps prevail and give them a little spring respite from the cold and snow.  i hear kris and her boys are getting a little stir crazy being inside! 

well kris. . .this post is for you.  this is a preview of the park where your boys can run, play and explore!

see. . .grandma's been there!  lots of wide open space to burn off some energy.

that's Rachel's dog, but i included this picture because you can see in the background (barely) the little fenced in play area with swings and slides and sand and monkey bars for your little monkeys.

and here's what happens after half an hour at the park.  plop.  pooped out "kids" which makes for happy mommies.

can't wait until you all get here.  love you!

the uggly truth

i'm officially a big watermelon of a girl and the uggly truth is i can barely bend over far enough to put on shoes, let alone tie them.  so against my better fashion sense, i've been living in my ugg boots.  and i have to admit they've been a godsend during the last few months.  so easy to slide on, so cushy and soft, so flat and wide. . .no laces.  perfection.  and i can't really see them anyway with this big blockage of a belly in the way.  so they are just fine for now.

you may be wondering what else is up?  well, not too much really.  i'm now 38 weeks and was officially considered at full term as of last week at 37 weeks.  that means i was relieved from bedrest and am back at em and working on getting this baby out now, instead of trying to keep her in.  as of this week, there has been no dilation of my cervix, so my doctor suggested acupuncture and i took her up on it.  i've read alot about its effectiveness in preparing the body for birth and resulting in shorter easier labors with fewer interventions.  sounded good to me!  so i went for my first session today.  it was a little odd, but not really too painful and actually pretty relaxing.  it may potentially bring on some contractions tonight, so we'll see how that goes. 

everything looks good and healthy with the baby.  she's in position for birth. . .head down and facing back.  i'm pretty excited about that since i'm so very against having a c-section.  i continue to pray that won't be necessary.  i've pretty much been at 150 pounds for the last few weeks, so i think that's just going to be it.  that means i gained about 30 pounds total for my pregnancy.  i'm happy about that since i wanted to keep my weight gain between 25 and 35 pounds.  the circumference of my belly now measures 40 inches!  i fear stretch marks now as it's just pulled so tight, but i keep it good and lubed up with belly butter and hoping none pop up here at the end.

my latest craving is ice cream.  i was especially fond of chocolate milk shakes and went on a bender eating one nearly every day for about a week and also eating bowls of double vanilla ice cream with reese's chocolate peanut butter hard shell topping on the days i didn't get a shake.  i was a bit out of control and finally feeling a little burnt out on ice cream. . .thankfully!

so here i am in all my over-inflated marshmallow glory!

daisy may

love this sweet face

guess where she slept this past weekend?  yep. . .in the guest room on the bed that her visiting grandma was sleeping in.  she still keeps going and checking to see if the guest room door is open and it's not.  she is wondering where her grandma went!